Getting into the holiday mood, I'm finding, is increasingly difficult these days. Not because I am unhappy or unmotivated, it just seems like it is. The snow falls in a big ball of puff out my window, blanketing the cars, yards, and houses in a sheet of fluffy white and a part of me urns to feel... something. I play Christmas music while cleaning the halfway unpacked house the umpteenth time; knowing in the back of my head that that massive pile of folded clothes will very soon be a pile of none folded clothes come tomorrow until the dresser (which is too heavy for me to carry) somehow magically appears in the bedroom. Craft supplies peak out of a box in the dining room begging to be used for tree dressings and card making. I sigh. It's not going to happen. Then a Christmas song I love plays. A smile crosses my face and I dream, briefly, of a decorated house, Buttons first snow day (which is quickly passing), his first family Christmas photo, so on and so on. Then it hits, the overwhelmed feeling of having to do all of those things. The song goes off, I continue picking up toys and loose papers and cut out recipes (another project I'm working on, slowly, and that has been put on hold). I try to shake it "it's December Bethany! Get in the mood!" I tell myself out loud. Nothing. So I stop working, go on Pinterest, look at Christmas ideas. Nothing. Back to work. And so the days go. It's a snow day. Darling is home and I am determined to get in the mood. ‘You are not defeated’ I think to myself. Why is this oh so important moment in my life feeling like just another day. The celebration of our Lord?! I want so bad to make it something wonderful for my son. I know he won’t remember it but that doesn't mean it’s not something for us both to cherish. So why does it feel like I’m just living from day to day. Lights gleam all around, on almost every house, Christmas trees are lit but not our home, not in our house. It’s just another day. But I want more than that. So why can’t I feel “the magic” this time around? This year of all years. My son first.
The snow falls; I pick up the pile of clothes and decide to take them up to our room… maybe they will last longer there.