As the days go on, I realize more and more how thin my patience has become with Little Man. He is changing, growing, testing his limits and mommy as well. I am pregnant, tired, and pushed to my tipping point just about every day. There are boxes unpacked after a month of receiving our shipment of all our belongings. Our dream of getting a house is, yet again, put on hold. Most day the floors are not swept and crumbs on the tables. That drives me crazy. But I have learned something in the mist of all this. Something I am trying so hard to lean on each day. I have found that stress is so inward. We cause it and then create it. I am selfish. saying that makes a burn in my throat.
On the days I put my son first, my baby first, my husband and house first, those days feel better. I feel better. Not because I succeeded at something amazing or new or even that I was applauded for my work, but, because, despite what I have read and the media tells me, I am made to love. Not to love myself but others. In honesty, the days that I "take time for me" or spend all day complaining and moping about how hard life is, those are the worst days. They are the days my house suffers, my son suffers and I suffer too.
I am, slowly, learning that its not putting me first that will ever make me feel the way I long for. It will never refresh me as much as a hug with my son or sitting down doing school work with him. It will never bring me the desires I so long for. Yet, like a pig drawn to dirt, I go back to the computer, the me time to escape in a book or outing. I'm not saying those things don't have their place or are not fun, they are, that is why we do them, that is why I do them, but it is a fleeting feeling, a very fleeting spark of joy. It is not the same as when I spend a hard hour "playing" with a three year old or standing in a tinny kitchen cooking with the hubby while telling Little Man, for the seventh time, to stay out of the kitchen. In those moments I am selfish. I want to be done. I am board. But THOSE moments are what I grasp at each night as I lay in bed and think about my day. THOSE moments are what I will remember of my life, my family, when I close my eyes. They are the ones that bring me real joy, real gratification. Why? because we are made to love others. we are designed to put them first, even in the moments that feel hard right then, right now. My patience has become so thin and I am sorry for it. Sorry that I have tried so many earthy things to feed a desire that only giving up myself could ever fulfill. Sorry that I had allowed myself to fall into some sad human lie that "taking time for me" is what would make me feel happiest. Because, its not. No matter what others will say. That is the last thing I need to feel good, fufilled, useful and loved. What we need is selflessness, to remind ourselves that, yes, in that moment it may feel like the pressure is rising but that is how a diamond is made. That more "me" will just make me crave more me not be renewed. Only giving up, giving to others and pushing though the now, the momentary displeasure will bring long term, real gratification. That is what I have learned.