I was trusting complete strangers with my life, with my Button's life and my husband's life!
I had to, there was no other choice. But, I had faith. Faith that God would pull us though this, that the doctors would know what to do and take care of us. Faith that I would pull though this and see my son and that all would be well. That is what I could hold on to, if nothing else, there were still my faith and the sheer, stubborn desire to see my son and make it through this!
I could no longer feel my legs. I started to have the strongest urge to move my legs but I could not. It was as if I knew they were there but they were as heavy as stone and could not be moved no matter what. The two nurses that were left in the room assisted me onto the operating table and helped me lay down. "If you feel nausea just let me know" said the sweet tan nurse. I nodded and tried to hold down a feeling of panic. My breathing became heavy and I felt like a ten pound weight was on my chest. "It’s hard to breath, is that normal?" I asked her. "Yes, that means the spinal block is working" she said calmly as she tucked some loose hair behind my ear. "We are going to put up the screen now and let your husband in okay" she said. I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to calm my nerves and remind myself that everything was going to be alright and that soon my son would be in my arms.
Hubby came in and sat down next to me right as the nausea set in. "I'm not feeling so good" I coughed out between gags. The nurse then put a mask over my face “just breathe easy and it will go away in a little bit" she told me. Hubby looked down at me though concerning eyes. I could see it in him, fear, and comfort all in one. "You'll be alright sweetie" he assured me as he tucked a bit of hair behind my ear. "I'm nervous" I told him. He gave me a concerned smile and helps my head "you’re doing great".
The Doctor came in and informed me he was going to start the procedure. "Are you ready?" he asked. "I guess I have to be" I replied. He smiled at me and nodded to a nurse to begin the cutting.
I couldn't feel anything. I tried but there was nothing. As they continued cutting I began to relax, things were going to be alright. I breathed easy and let the calm flow over me as I reached out and listened, waiting to hear my son's first breath.
That wait seemed to take forever. 'What would he sound like?', 'what would he look like?’; 'will I feel like I know him right away?' I thought to myself as the doctor conversed with his colleague.
I felt a strong pressure as the doctor informed me that he broke the amniotic sack. "Is he here, can I see him?" I begged looking at Hubby and then to the nurse by my side. “They have to wipe him off first" she said. I heard him cry as the doctor announced “a healthy boy!" and handed him to the other nurse that was standing by. I could see him; I reached out to him with both arms “I want to hold him" I said. I could feel an overwhelming desire to hold him, to be near him. I hadn't even seen his face yet but I could hear him and see him waving his arms. I wanted to rock him, to comfort him but I couldn't. I was being stitched up. I was numb from my chest down. I felt so incapable, so lonely without him in my arms. Tiers ran down my face as I reached my arms out to him. It was all I could do. Hubby comforted me and wiped my tiers away. "Can you bring him to me?" I asked my Hubby “I want to hold him; I want to hold my son". My darling got up from my side and went to Button. He picked him up and held him, bringing him close to my side. "I want to hold him" I repeated. I knew I couldn't hold him the way I wanted. I was too restricted, to medicated and numb but I wanted to have him near me. Hubby laid him on my chest and I began to cry again. "He's beautiful" I stammered as I pet his little head of brown hair "He looks like you", I said looking up to Hubby with a tearful smile. Hubby pet Buttons little head and held his finger. "He does" he replied.
We were a family. I made it, though all the struggles and trials, I made it; we made it. I became a mother and nothing in the world mattered anymore. I, at last, had my son!