Thursday, December 1, 2011

Being thankful part 1.

Alright, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, or have some sort or tragedy for to account for my tardiness. No, it was sheer exhaustion. BUT, I'm back and with a slew of updates and fun stuff. I think we've all been there, were we  feel like you just need a break from the same retrain and just feel like everything is going in the same circle; like some sort of cruel marry-go-round and if you stepped off the whole thing would come crashing down?
 Well that's sort'a were I was at. Well, that's sort of where I'm STILL at. You see, I'm going to keep it real here. After all, this is a story about my life and all the ups along with all the down. I think this is going to have to be broken up into parts and possibly need a bit of back story and defiantly more than one post. So if you care, please bear with me. As all of my family knows, My Hubby and I have been working on trying to get our credit good enough to where we can get a loan.... for that last year! Despite the inability to get a credit card (even to places like target!) we decided to try and call a loan place and find out if we are able to get a home loan. Mind you, we weren't going in with an amount we wanted. We just wanted to see what kind of budget we would be dealing with.
That's when we found out that our credit is so crazy that we aren't unable to get a loan... of any kind that I know of. This takes a lot for me to say, maybe because of my want to be normal, or my fear of being looked down on, or even the disapproval of my family and friends. Unfortunately, the only way to heal and to grow it to talk about it. If no one reads this but me, at least I said it and I was being honest to all of you. I don't think it would be right to tell people we are looking for a house when we no longer are or tell people we are waiting because of some other reason. No, this is it. The cold hard truth. Though, it feels like I'm jumping off a cliff into a pool of piranhas that I call my family, I know that they shouldn't be left out of the loop or even you readers and friends of ours. That would be shellfish and dishonest of me. And, while all this craziness goes on in our lives, I debate with myself the wisdom of trying for a child as well.
If there is one thing I want more than anything in the world, apart from being my amazing husbands wife, it’s to be a mother to his children. It may seem unconventional but I want a big family and to be a house wife. Being as head strong as I am, and an almost-neurotic planer, I want to space them out wisely and plan their bedrooms and silly things like that.
This is where the dilemma comes in. I simply can't wait to have children unless I want their father to be like 70 when they move out. This is what I get for marring someone 10 years older than myself. : P

So here I am stuck. Do I put aside my dreams of planning a baby room and having a perfect family in a wonderful home and everything as planed? For a life were I'm pregnant in a one bedroom apartment and rushing to find a home somewhere around eight or nine months and have nothing planned in way of design or functionality but am blessed with the life of another and the opportunity to pursue my dreams as a mother? I honestly don't know. For once in my life I'm not as sure in myself of what path in life I should take.  The only thing I can think of is how grateful I am now to have a roof over my head, a husband that comes home with a smile and greets me every day, and the people who build me up and support us along these changing times. After all, thanks giving aren’t the only time of year we should be blessed for what the lord has given us.

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