Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
I learned something from my son today. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs struggling to drag a to-large-to-go-up-the-stairs toy up the stairs. As he tugged and cried at his failures I sat at the top of the stairs trying my best to not give in and just take the toy up for him. I cheered him on “you can do it", "that's too big to drag... Try picking it up darling", "keep trying love... you almost go it" and things like that. As I sat there watching him I thought about Christ. I realized that I am so much still a toddler in my faith. So often I find myself trying to drag my worldly desires up the proverbial stairway to heaven. I frequently find myself crying, pouting at the bottom saying "why can't I have both", "it's too heavy God... Come get us so I can have both!” kicking and throwing a fit. It's ugly guys.
But God is such a loving parent. He knows we need to figure it out on our own. So he sits at the top encouraging us all the way. We need to learn that it’s okay to leave those things at the bottom because (mommy) he will be at the top waiting to (snuggle) hold us. Those things will still be there... downstairs... for us to have, just not then. Sometimes we have to put aside the things we think we want to get the things we really need and desire; that doesn't always mean they won’t be waiting for us later (when we get up from our naps), just that they are weighing us down to get to where we need to go. It so easy to sit at the bottom and cry until someone comes and gets, give you a handout and picks you up. But, sometimes it’s even more rewarding to learn that it’s okay to let go for a while, to overcome the tantrums and mature in our desires. I learned today, from my son, that I am so often that little toddler at the bottom of the stairs desperately struggling to drag my big massive toys up the stairs... when all I really want and need is the person at the top.
It's been a while, I know, I have been going through some stuff; Mostly about this here blog. I struggle with conflicting feelings. A part of me would never be satisfied without writing; without being heard, but another part longs to be heard and respected, to meet others and grow a community. That other part just doesn't seem to be happening here. So I stepped away for a while to try other things like vlogging... but I miss writing. Even if I can't always get things right the first time and people give up on me.... I need to write. I find my emotions are clearer then when I do videos. I feel I can really say things and be myself while typing away. But the struggle is still there. People will come and go because "I have a hard time reading it"... well, I'm trying... and this place is for me too. I won’t be stopping because you are impatient or irritated. The ones that care will push through this struggle with me. I have challenges with writing and grammar... that doesn't make my voice invalid or unworthy; it means I'm human. If you don't like that, I get it. If it's "that bad" for you... move along. My words would be lost to your (most likely) shallow judgment anyways. For those that read regardless, that take me as I am (struggles and all), understand that I am human, I make mistakes... many mistakes, and still read, still sympathies with my views or find joy (or humor) in my story's, my life, then to you I hold the most gratitude. Thank you. Thank you for looking past my flaws and seeing the beauty in my words. Thank you for finding a rose among thorns and cherishing it enough to reach in again for more. You are my jewels; my passion. For you, and myself, I will keep writing. My voice is here.