Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Just Keep Dancing

This is a post I have wanted to write for a while now but never felt like it was the right time and when it did feel like the right time I was, honestly, scared. I don't know why but something about announcing your goals and dreams to the whole world makes it harder if/when those dreams don't come true. I know that that is a negative way to look at life and that is why I am writing this. Hubby and I want to adopt. We have wanted to adopt for some time now (three years for him and a lifetime for me). I never wanted to talk about it, in part, because Darling has been on the 'fence' about it ever since we married. Even before then, when we would talk about it when we were dating and engaged.
Some people ask us why we want to adopt; in fact, most people ask us that. I can see it in their eyes. They look at me, then Darling, then Button and even when they don't ask you can see them "asking"... 'Why would you adopt... you can have children', 'don't you want your own children', 'aren't your biological children enough', 'why not save those children for people who can't conceive'. That last one bothers me the most! Why, because in this day and age adoption is NOT the first go to option for families that cannot conceive; in vitro fertilization is. Most couples now days make adoption their very last option if a donor or in vitro or pretty much any other means of conceiving is not possible. So no, I'm not going to sit by while my baby is overseas hoping he/she will be some infertile family's last hope. I’m not saying it is wrong for those families to do that. It is their choice; but that does not make me a bad person for knowing that God has put aside a child from another mother, overseas, just for our family. I know that. I know that my baby will be from China, I know that we want our baby to be a middle child (we are hoping for a large family, God willing). We don't know what our baby will look like; if it will be a boy or girl or how old he/she will be (we are looking between ages nine months- three years). We don't know how long it will take to bring out baby home or what it will be like when he/she gets here. But what we do know is that this is what is right for us. We love Button with all our hearts, yes, our biological child is loved. No, we will not love our adopted child more or less than any of our other babies. Yes, we want our "own" children... just, one of them is overseas. That is how we see it. That child IS our child. No he/she did not come from my womb but that child did come for our family, that child is in my heart... even now. Before he/she is even born just as all our other children are. In all intents and purposes, God made that child for us. That child is mine. Yes one of our babies will have two sets of parent and we may even find out who those parents are but to us, that does not mean that child was not a God-given gift to our family.
I say all this because; though we cannot start the adoption process for some time (both parents must be 30... I just turned 25), it is on my heart a lot lately. I worry, like any parent, how I will provide and come up with the funds to adopt; I think about how my child will feel about me. I wonder what kind of big/little brother or sister our baby will be.
My sister gave me a gift a while ago, a little dancing panda for our car. 

Every time I get in the car I'm reminded of my baby out there waiting for mommy, far across the sea. I'm reminded to dance through this wait, to not become complacent but continue to live my life for the little one I have now but to never let go of that dream. That my God will provide once that time comes. Just keep dancing and one day our family will be whole.

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